2016: Superhero Movies and What I Want From Them

I told myself I wasn’t gonna go this route…

When I joined the sometimes-psychotic troupe known as the Digital Crack Network, I swore to myself that there would be one area I would not visit: comics. The reason why is a bit melodramatic, so I won’t get into the details here, but it bears some mention.

In 1995, I reached a crossroads in my life. My then-wife and I hit a very rough patch. We needed money, for us and our 1-year-old child, and I had to find a way to raise some. I had two options: sell my video game collection, which I had technically amassed since about 1980, or sell my comic book collection, which I had amassed since much earlier. I chose to sacrifice my comics, and I never wanted to go back to comics after that. It hurt too much to remember all the vintage books I had sold for about 3 cents on the dollar just so we could afford Gerber products. That is why I am now the “old school gaming specialist” and not the “old school comic specialist”.

I can’t ignore comics now. Hollywood has decided to remind me of how much I loved comic books by throwing a shitload of comics-based movies, TV shows, and original Netflix series at me. As much as I’d like to ignore all this shit, I can’t. They all have my attention, and I don’t feel inclined to pretend otherwise. I’ve been on board the moment Iron Man hit the silver screen in 2008, and I’ve been this machine’s bitch ever since.

That being said, I’m still guarding my chin. If the Amazing Spider-Man re-reboots and Fant4stic taught me anything, it’s that just plopping heroes on the screen and hoping for the love to mask the shittiness of bad movies is not good enough. The hardcore fans among us will not tolerate bullshit garbed in spandex and attempting to play to their (our?) nostalgia, and the average moviegoer knows enough about what they like in a superhero movie to detect any bullshit on the screen.

The 2016 superhero theater entrants in have very lofty expectations heaped on them. In order for them to succeed, I feel there is at least one thing (and sometimes many things) they must all avoid.

Keep in mind; I am basing all my opinions on released trailers and other tidbits of information that were available at the time of this writing. I’m pretty sure some new information will come out after this drops, making me look even sillier than I usually do. Fuck it; YOLO!

(The youngsters still say that…right?)

Deadpool (Feb. 12)

I love Deadpool! And this movie scares me.

Ryan Reynolds left a very sour taste in everyone’s mouth with the 2011 abomination known as Green Lantern. It may not have been be his fault entirely, but we are all still looking at him with wary eyes. So far, he and the team behind Deadpool have been making all the right noises. Deadpool’s tone looks nearly spot-on in the trailers so far, and I’m getting good vibes from Weasel and Blind Al, my favorite supporting characters. But for this to succeed, the movie cannot be just one-liners and the demolishing of the fourth wall. Reynolds needs to sell himself as Deadpool in more than just jokes. If he fails? Not only will he kill my vision of an awesome Deadpool movie, he will become less welcome than the Black Plague in Hollywood! Please don’t fuck up my absolute favorite comic book character! PLEASE make this work!

(Side note in all caps: HOLY SHIT! NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD IS AN ACTUAL FUCKING MARVEL CHARACTER??? I NEED TO RE-BUY ALL MY X-BOOKS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! HOW DID I MISS THIS SHIT??????)

Ok…under control. Back to the article!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Mar. 25)

Oh, this movie. Where do I begin? Please don’t let Lex Luthor have the personality of Perez Hilton with tons more money. Please don’t let that gun in Batman’s hands be his actual strategy for fixing shit. Please let Wonder Woman be the strong, compassionate hero she is supposed to be, and not just a runway model with heroic pretentions. And please, please, PLEASE don’t let that lava ninja turtle be Doomsday!!! I know it was announced that it IS Doomsday, but say you Punk’d us and move on! Let it be a lab-created Zod mutant and nothing more!

Captain America: Civil War (May 6)

As close to a sure thing as we can get this year, considering the cast, directors (the Russo Brothers are gods in my eyes after Captain America: The Winter Soldier), and premise. But…what if they trip up? The story is looking to be very complex and dependent on many characters and spinning wheels. Please don’t let the story become so convoluted that it buckles under its own weight. And PLEASE don’t let Spider-Man (my 2^nd favorite Marvel character after Deadpool) be wasted!

Marisa Tomei as Aunt May, tho? AILF (Aunt I’d Like to…Fondle)!

X-Men: Apocalypse (May 27)

I’ve accepted all the deviations in continuity the X-Men reboot and its sequel have taken. I’m on board, so long as the story and the essence of my favorite super team in Marvel canon remain intact. So far, First Class and Days of Future Past have been okay. But…Ivan Ooze from the Power Rangers as Apocalypse? Storm, Psylocke, AND MAGNETO (!!!!) as Horsemen, EVEN THOUGH Caliban (aka War, an actual Horseman) is present? Bryan Singer and company, y’all better know what you’re doing, or this will fall apart quick! Please don’t fuck up Apocalypse OR the Horsemen!

Suicide Squad (Aug. 5)

After Deadpool, this is the movie I want most to succeed. I’m a fan of the anti-hero group and think the IP is ripe for movie goodness. The talent is there, the characterizations seem to be spot-on, and the direction looks right. Viola Davis as Amanda Waller seems to be perfect casting 101, and after some trepidation, I am 100% sold on Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn. The lone casting question in my eyes revolves around Jared Leto as the Joker, and that’s a BIG question. Look, I know that Heath Ledger (RIP!) faced the same scrutiny when he was announced as Joker for The Dark Knight Returns, including from me, but this Joker is such a deviation from everything we know and love about the Jester of Genocide that it’s frightening. Please don’t let that one performance derail this movie!

Gambit (Oct. 7)

Having seen nothing of this movie, the amount of questions and worries I have are stratospheric. Chief among them? Please don’t let Channing Tatum screw this up! The Ragin’ Cajun may not be the best X-Man, but he is one of the most charismatic. Please let this character be well written and acted! Mostly, please don’t let this be Mutant Magic Mike!

Doctor Strange (Nov. 4)

I have long stopped doubting Marvel Studios and their ability to make movie gold out of anything they touch. Hell, if they can make everyone care about talking Raccoon and tree buddies, they’re good at this! But the Sorcerer Supreme may be a tough sell for the average moviegoer. This movie is most likely going to dig deep into the occult, and even the great Benedict Cumberbatch might not be able to rescue this project if the story loses the audience. Yes, I know that moviegoers are savvier than most people give them credit for, but movies like generally succeed because of phenomenal screenwriting and a director who knew how to convey it. Please let the script and direction be airtight and easy enough to follow that the average person doesn’t get lost.

Sinister Six (Nov. 11)

Does anyone trust Sony to do right by Spidey right now? And does anyone trust Sony to establish SIX super baddies as the wall-crawler’s chief nemeses? I sure don’t. Look how well they did handling 3 baddies in Spider-Man 3, not to mention Amazing Spider-Man 2!

Maybe Marvel will get more than just a token say in the development of this movie, and maybe Sony pulls the cotton out of their ears long enough to listen to the advice. Sinister Six needs to be a home run; please, Sony, don’t settle for a single and a stolen base!

Will all of these movies succeed? History says no. Will they succeed if they heed my pleas? Not really. But I want these movies to succeed, both as a movie lover and as a former comic book lover. We’ll have this conversation again in December, and we’ll compare notes. In the meantime, let me know down below which movies you want to see succeed the most and what you hope they don’t fuck up.