Couldn’t punch its way out of a bag

(Note: this is a parody series where we review a beloved game incorrectly. This is not serious. Please don’t kill us!)

I really don’t get why people are so into Final Fantasy VII. Honestly, the whole Final Fantasy series prior to 2016 baffles me. How can people idolize a series that gets beat-‘em-ups so wrong?

I love games where you can beat people up. The feel of a game where you can dispatch hordes of enemies with nothing more than fists, kicks, and random objects is awesome. It’s practically what ‘MURICA is all about! River City Ransom and Final Fight embody everything my country stands for.

Someone needs to tell the Japanese this.

Yes, I know they developed River City Ransom and Final Fight. But they must’ve forgotten how to develop a proper beat-‘em-up. Final Fantasy VII is, without a doubt, the WORST beat-’em-up ever made!

The first departure from a good beat-‘em-up is the setup. This game has SO much story. Why do they have to dedicate so much of the game to this story? Granted, the idea of taking on the Shina Electric Power Company is a good basis for a beat-‘em-up. I can see my protagonist pummeling waves of evil company thugs before facing off against the evil CEO…who just happened to kidnap my girlfriend! However, SquareSoft totally screwed up the premise by focusing on the emotional trials the characters go through. This is a beat-‘em-up! Who cares if the protagonists are sad?

Yes, I said protagonists. In an even bigger departure from the series, you control a party of characters. Okay, I can get behind a party that includes one guy with a massive sword and another guy with a Gatling gun arm. Hell, the party includes a woman who does magic! That is awesome! But having to control all of them at once becomes unwieldy as hell almost immediately.

Because of SquareSoft’s insistence of a party structure, the actual meat of the game – beating enemies senseless – has to be handled with a menu system. I KID YOU NOT! When you encounter enemies, the action stops and you have to perform actions with a menu. Actions in the menu include “attack”, “item”, and “sense”. First off, why do you need to select “attack” on a menu before your character attacks? This should be a given. These are enemies; why are you not attacking them from the word go? Especially since, as I said before, ONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS HAS A GATLING GUN ARM??? Your characters should be attacking every chance they get!

Second, why “sense?” Are you saying that my party has no sense at all unless it’s specifically picked? Actually, I get it. A group of people that encounter other people who want to pummel them and need a menu of commands to beat them up is ridiculous. These impotent mouth-breathers need a “sense” command just to figure out how to punch!

Worse, you never see your enemies coming! When you are controlling your party’s movement through the world, enemies are invisible. The only way you find them is if they spring up on you. You’ll be walking around, and suddenly the screen freaks out and you’re in battle. That is a basic beat-‘em-up tenet that is being violated. How am I supposed to throttle enemies if I don’t know they are there?

Worst of all, the game is focused more on presenting dramatic story elements during the game. Frequently, the game stops and forces you to watch melodramatic cutscenes that advance this stupid story. Seriously? I’m supposed to be beating enemies into the next dimension. What do I care about a party member having a sword shoved into her back and out her chest? This is a beat-‘em-up! SHE SHOULDA BEEN ABLE TO ROUNDHOUSE KICK THAT EFFEMINATE CLOWN RIGHT IN THE FACE!

Overall, I was thoroughly disappointed with Final Fantasy VII. This game gets all the fundamental things of the beat-‘em-up genre wrong. There is never any real action; this is a menu-driven beat-‘em-up. Am I clobbering enemies or ordering brunch? The premise, story, movement, and interface are completely antithetical to the genre. If you have a hankering for some knuckle-to-face action, I suggest you steer clear away from Final Fantasy VII. This game is to beat-‘em-ups what F-Zero is to side-scrolling platformers. Avoid at all costs!