CinemaSins can’t have the monopoly

Sundays are a religious holiday for me. I’m not actually religious, but my Sundays are sacrosanct to me. I refuse to do any real work on those days. I work in IT, so trying to maintain that habit can be difficult. But I rationalize my situation as easily as possible. Unless a server actually catches fire, I’m not worried about doing my job.

It’s during this self-enforced sabbatical that I gorge on movies. Sometimes I revisit old favorites; other times, I give new movies a spin. Every time, I soak in everything the film has to offer. Whether elated or disappointed, I give every movie a chance to impress. Regardless of their success, the movie experience stays etched in my conscious.

Oftentimes, though, an element of a movie pulls me out of the experience. As much as I love or loathe a movie, there are scenes or lines that make me question the film as a whole. I don’t actively seek these moments out. I simply watch the movie, and at one point or another, I’m confronted with something that makes me sit back and question either that particular scene or the entire movie.

As an avid YouTube viewer, I am very familiar with CinemaSins. I love how they critique every movie, whether they love it or not. On many occasions, they’ve brought up points about movies that I never thought about during my viewing. Their genius lies in spotting the inconsistencies and odd happenstances that movies have. Oh, and being nitpicky bastards.

Repeated viewings of their videos have warped my mind to the point that I’m beginning to see inconsistencies on my own. Movies that I love are suddenly fair game for critique, no matter how petty it seems. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t accept any premise in a movie without finding a flaw.

So I figured, why not write about it?

Following is a list of things that I question about some movies I love. This is not a negative criticism of the movies. This is just a smattering of the shit in movies that make me think. I may not even be the first person to think of these things; I didn’t research it before I wrote it. Honestly, I was too drunk to even care about research! My only goal was to call out these inconsistencies.

Maybe these points will get readers thinking about their own movies. Maybe they have already been noticed. And maybe this is just an alcohol-induced rant about petty shit. Either way, I’m writing it.

NOTE: there will be spoilers for some movies. If you abhor such things, stay away. Also, some of these movies are pretty old. In those cases, the spoiler alert does not apply. If the movie’s over 10 years old and you haven’t seen it, you were never interested in the movie to begin with. Fuck you, you get spoiled!

Major League (1989)

So evil owner Rachel Phelps’ big idea was to tank the season in order to move the Cleveland Indians to Miami. She even stated as such to pansy-GM Charlie Donovan. The Indians’ lease to the city only allowed relocation if the team’s attendance reached under 800,000 for the year. That’s her reasoning for inviting so many castoffs, nobodies, and has-beens to tryouts. She wanted them to lose, keeping fans out of the park.

Okay, great. Fine plan so far. Except the Indians don’t do all that terrible, getting to 60-61 at one point. That’s when Donovan tells Indians manager Lou Brown Mrs. Phelps’ plan, and Brown repeats it to the team. That spurs them to play better and chase the pennant.

A baseball season has 162 games. The Indians had only played 121 games at that point when Donovan confesses to Lou. Even if the Indians only averaged 5,000 fans at each game up to then – a pitiful number but possible considering the Indians were essentially a .500 team – that’s over 600,000 in attendance up to that point. Once the Indians went on their tear to force a one-game playoff with the Yankees at season’s end, attendance improved. In fact, the movie shows the increase in attendance even before that tear. The Indians only needed to average 4,643 fans during that 42 game span to reach 800,000, and they were meeting that even before the 42-game surge.

So why was Rachel Phelps she so upset when the Indians beat the Yankees to win the pennant in the playoff? Her relocation plans had to have been squashed way before then. She shouldn’t even have been at that game!

Deadpool (2016)

Ryan Reynolds was sublime as the Merc with a Mouth. I thought he was on point way back when I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine, right before he had his mouth sewn shut. In Deadpool, he nailed just about every aspect of Wade Wilson’s persona. He even nailed Wade’s stupidity.

We know that Ajax, the main foil of the movie, is named Francis Freeman thanks to a scene where Wade shows Ajax’s dry cleaning tag. It’s funny because such an imposing guy has a name like Francis. Awesome.

Thing is, NOBODY ELSE knows his real name. That makes Wade’s murderous campaign to find him pretty superfluous. He keeps asking, “Where’s Francis?” to everyone associated with Ajax’s operation. Of course, they have no idea who he’s referring to, so they die. Wouldn’t you think Wade would realize that before piling up the bodies?

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Roger Murtaugh and Martin Riggs have to be the coolest police partners in history.

In the first movie in the series, the death of Amanda Hunsaker, the daughter of Murtaugh’s friend, leads both of them to a cabal of mercenaries that deal heroin. The amount of awesomeness that happens in between makes this film a classic in my eyes.

Riggs is a crack shot. He proves that on many occasions during the movie. One of those times occurs in a police shooting range, where he shows Murtaugh up. I have no problem with the shooting; both Riggs and Murtaugh are policemen and should know how to shoot. Moreover, Riggs is an ex-soldier and sniper, so his shooting has to be on point. I have a problem with the conversation they had during that time.

As they’re walking into the shooting range and during their target practice, they discuss the Hunsaker case and the thin evidence they have. That’s expected between partners. But they have ear protectors on the whole time. They’re even yelling the whole time, leading one to believe their hearing is somewhat impaired.

Yet the entire conversation is heard by them, even the bit Riggs mumbles about Murtaugh’s wife’s cooking. So two people can have a conversation in a gun range, with ear protectors on, and not only hear everything they’re yelling, but also everything’s that’s said under one’s breath? I call bullshit!

The Princess Bride (1987)

This movie is absolutely golden. The story about Buttercup and Westley’s love is timeless in my eyes. The way this movie presented it – with a grandfather reading his grandson the story – is immaculate. How Westley, under the guise of the Dread Pirate Roberts, rescued Princess Buttercup of Florin from the clutches of Vizzini and his hired thugs, Inigo Montoya and Fezzik, is awesome. Shit, Inigo Montoya and Fezzik are awesome!

But how did Westley know she had been captured?

We find out during the course of the movie that Vizzini had been hired by Prince Humperdinck of Florin to kidnap the Princess. The plan was to kill her and blame the kingdom of Guilder for her murder. That accusation would allow Humperdinck to declare war on Guilder. Vizzini and his hired thugs take Buttercup without notice, so no one could claim they really saw the kidnappers.

So how did the Dread Pirate Roberts, who was nowhere near the area, find out about the kidnapping? If he’s a pirate, then you figure he wouldn’t be able to just dock his ship anywhere near the kingdoms of Florin or Guilder. Further, the plan was known to only two people: Prince Humperdinck and his trusty six-fingered weasel, Count Rugen. That means Westley couldn’t have heard of the plot through any normal means.

Could the Dread Pirate Roberts have simply been out seeking a ship to pillage? It’s possible. But then why would he continue to follow Vizzini’s band of fools up the Cliffs of Insanity? If the ship was the target, it was gift-wrapped to him the moment the crew abandoned it. He must’ve known that Princess Buttercup was aboard the ship as a prisoner. He would not have scaled the Cliffs of Insanity under any other circumstances. That means she was the target all along.

As Vizzini would say, the whole plot point is inconceivable!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)

Yes, this one is obvious. I don’t care; I’m still calling it out.

How in the hell did Bill and Ted pass their final project? Yeah yeah, they used “famous historical dudes” to visualize their little project. It’s a nice bit…but what did they contribute to the actual project? Socrates’ professed love for billiards? Joan of Arc introducing her followers to aerobics? For the love of all that is decent and holy. Genghis Khan had AN ACTUAL WEAPON IN A HIGH SCHOOL! Even in 1989, that’s grounds for arrest!

Speaking of arrest, all of the historical dudes WERE arrested thanks to their mini-riot at the mall. Ted’s dad, a cop, arrested them. So how was it cool for him to see a presentation done by his soon – WITH ESCAPED PRISONERS – without him calling down the entire police force at the school?

Okay, Bill and Ted tried to tell Napoleon that invading Russia was a bad idea and Napoleon scoffed at the thought. They tried to help him out. But, how does that translate to an A+?

More importantly, where did all the props come from? Beethoven’s keyboards? Freud’s examination couch? Joan of Arc’s training swords? Were all those things just stored in the AV room?

Most importantly of all, BILL AND TED GOT IN THE PHONE BOOTH AND TIME TRAVELED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE AUDITORIUM FULL OF PEOPLE! No one noticed that? They just thought it was a prop? Fine: WHERE ARE BILL AND TED? No one questions this? Not even Mr. Ryan?

(And yes, in a movie where two stoner-acting failed musicians are the world’s salvation in the future, I’m calling bullshit on them teleporting in front of a bunch of people and nothing happened. We all have limits!)

Oh, and how did Ted “Theodore” Logan, Esq. become ultra-assassin John Wick? Was he exposed to radiation in that phone booth? Did that radiation drain him of his boisterous energy and replace it with nerves of steel and a headshot cheat code and aimbot?

I NEED TO KNOW!