“It’s got Blast Processing!”

During a rare break from work, I decided to watch Console Wars, a newly released documentary chronicling the titular video game war between Nintendo and SEGA in the 90s. I had started reading the book approximately 7,312 years ago and never finished it, so I figured watching it would be easier.

Once done, I felt a new appreciation for that era in video games. I knew the broad strokes of the story but seeing the details of the Nintendo vs SEGA rivalry – told by the people who lived it – was really engaging. It did what a good documentary should: tell me a story I knew but in a way that gripped me and made me wonder what would happen next, even though I knew what would happen next.

I recommend at least watching the documentary if you have CBS All-Access. It’s a great re-telling of the absolute hatred both companies had for each other back then. The console war was more than just a fight between Nintendo and SEGA. It was a blood feud that was resolved in the only way it could: by both of them getting their teeth kicked in by Sony!

Thinking back on Console Wars, though, I have a few lingering opinions. Some were ones I already had before I saw it; others were formed by the documentary. Here are a few of them, along with some facts not in the documentary, in no particular order:

Former SEGA of America CEO Tom Kalinske is a god-tier executive

I knew prior to the documentary that Mr. Kalinske was one of the main reasons SEGA of America unseated Nintendo here. What I didn’t know was just how good he was at just being a CEO. The man not only rescued Hot Wheels and Barbie while he was at Mattel, HE CREATED HE-MAN! And he did that while NOT being the CEO there!

Not all of Tom’s ideas were winners. It wasn’t in the documentary, but when SoJ wanted SoA to get on board the Saturn fail-train, he convinced the Boys from Shiagawa City, Tokyo, that a stopgap for the Genesis would be a better strategy for the United States. Yes, he was responsible for the 32X, the failed Genesis add-on that he swore would outsell the Saturn and PlayStation. Hey, even god-tier CEOs have duds.

When then-CEO of SEGA of Japan Hayao Nakayama literally plucked him off of a beach in Hawaii to convince him to head SoA, he knew what he was doing. Too bad the man – and his company – knew very little else.

SEGA of Japan is what killed SEGA’s console business!

I have been saying it for years, mostly to piss off my Digital Crack buddy Agent Joe, but it bears repeating often and at high volume: SEGA of Japan was the worst-run company EVER! SoJ initially gave Kalinske a very long leash when it came to running SoA, but when the Genesis took off and put them on top, SoJ started to rein him in. Hard.

Console Wars paints it as jealousy on the part of the parent company, and I believe it. I won’t get into all the ways SoJ screwed over SoA, but there enough ways to convince Kalinske to hand in his resignation on July 15, 1996.

True story: This wasn’t covered in the documentary, but it bears mention. SEGA would not exist today if it were not for the late Isao Okawa, president of SEGA. In 2001, was only a software publisher and was hemorrhaging cash. Facing bankruptcy, Okawa-san’s last act before dying was to give SEGA its stake in the company and all the subsidiaries owned by SEGA. That was a lifeline to the tune of $695.7 million that allowed SEGA to stay afloat. THAT was how bad SoJ was run: a man on his deathbed had to give his entire estate to the company just so it could pay its employees and keep running! I may not have been a hardcore SEGA fan, but the company didn’t deserve to be run into the ground like it was.

SEGA’s Marketing Brilliance

I never fully appreciated just how ingrained into my head SEGA’s marketing is until Console Wars. It’s the reason I capitalize their name when I type it even though my OCD demands that I write it correctly. Know that every time I write it, I scream it in my head. And it sounds exactly like the scream in the commercials.

Console Wars goes deep into the marketing of both SEGA and Nintendo, and I found that part utterly fascinating. Not only do you see the brainstorming behind the brilliance of “Welcome to the Next Level” and “Sonic 2sday”, you see the effect those campaigns had on the customers. Very cool stuff.

Just seeing the event SEGA put on during Sonic “2sday” in the documentary, complete with appearances by Joey Lawrence and FUCKING SCREECH, was mind-blowing. SEGA sure knew how to throw a party back then.

The documentary also goes to great lengths to show how dumb ad campaigns are. Everyone today knows that “Blast Processing” was marketing crap, but customers back then ate it up. The marketing geniuses of the day explain how the psychology of nonsense like “Blast Processing” works despite the bullshit. It just goes to show we’re all sheeple that buy into bullshit like that.

I still hold a special place in my heart for “9/9/99”. It may have been marketing hype just like “Saturnday” (SEGA was good at catchy launch names), but it was for something I love. RIP Dreamcast, the company that birthed you sucked balls.

Nintendo’s Two Howards

Everyone who knows about gaming history knows Howard Lincoln, ex-lawyer, and former CEO of Nintendo of America.

For those that don’t know, Lincoln is the lawyer Nintendo called on when Universal wanted to sue the company. Universal felt Donkey Kong was too similar to King Kong, whose rights Universal claimed to have. Not only did Lincoln successfully defend Nintendo, he and fellow lawyer John Kirby (yes, that Kirby was named after him) countersued Universal because he found that they didn’t even own King Kong’s rights.

What Console Wars gets across when focusing on Lincoln is that the man was a straight-up fucking GANGSTA! When it came to Nintendo as a business, he was absolutely cold-blooded. Suge “Death Row” Knight makes an appearance in the documentary, playing Genesis alongside Tupac, and I feel Lincoln is the most intimidating person in the documentary!

(Oh, and I bet Tupac beat him at whatever he was playing. That’s why Suge had him murdered. Fucking sore loser asshole! YOU KILLED ‘PAC!)

As ruthless as Howard Lincoln was, Howard “The Face of Nintendo Power” Philips, Nintendo of America’s spokesman, was the exact opposite. Just about every snippet of him back then showed him joyful and just having fun. You mostly saw him either playing video games or talking about the games. And he was always smiling. Even in his interview for the documentary, he has the grin of a kid who can’t wait to play Super Mario Bros. 3. He loved his job, and it showed. I’d say he was childlike, but I swear he almost looked like an actual child with his bowtie and red hair.

I don’t think there could’ve been two more polar opposites working at a company. But Lincoln’s strong stewardship and Phillips’s exuberance sure were successful.

“Those Who Fail to Learn From History…”

This wasn’t in Console Wars, only the aftermath. It’s fascinating though.

Back in 1983, Nintendo of America was looking to crack the North American market with the Famicom. However, they were an unknown commodity in the States despite their success with arcade titles like Donkey Kong and Popeye. They wanted a company with knowledge of the American market and an in-place distribution network to help kick-start their console business there. And in 1983, there was only one name to count on: Atari.

Howard “The Barbarian” Lincoln was asked by Nintendo of Japan to open talks with Atari to see if the latter company – neck-deep into the Video Game Crash of 1983 and needing help – was interested in distributing the NES. A deal was struck in principle: Atari would license the US-bound Famicom, the NES. Then the deal fell apart because of an imagined slight that Atari took personally. Undaunted, Nintendo released the NES itself. The rest, as they say, is history.

You would think Nintendo would’ve learned from that deal. Years later, it had an agreement in place with Sony to have the latter company make a CD-based add-on for the SNES. Sony would also release its own branded CD-based console – named Play Station then – that could play SNES cartridges. That deal fell apart because of royalty disagreements that Nintendo took personally and a bit of fear on Nintendo’s part. Had they remembered what they did to Atari back in the 80s, they could see what Sony was about to do to them in the 90s. They found out soon enough.

In Console Wars, the last montage of kids opening Christmas presents showed them freaking out in happiness when they found PlayStations. Not Nintendo 64s.

(Fun fact: Nintendo had also approached SEGA about distributing the Famicom in the 80s. SEGA declined. After Sony was dumped by Nintendo at the 1991 CES, they approached SEGA. A deal brokered by Tom Kalinske was taken to SoJ, where it was killed. Have I mentioned that SEGS of Japan was a festering dog carcass back then?)

Speaking of Christmas presents…

God, I Miss Being A Kid and a Parent!

Whenever Console Wars wanted to punctuate the success of video games or both Nintendo and SEGA in particular, it did so via home videos of kids opening up Christmas presents and losing their shit when they saw an NES, SNES, Genesis, or PlayStation console. I miss feeling that sheer joy (mine was with an original heavy-sixer Atari VCS) and I miss seeing that joy in the eyes of my kids.

They’re grown now, so I have to relive that joy with my nephews. Fortunately, I have two grandchildren that I can watch explode in glee when they open up their Christmas gifts and find a PlayStation 7 or Xbox Super Ultra Turbo X EX+ Alpha. Assuming consoles are still a thing then.

Console Wars are So Stupid!

We all know this, but somehow, the ridiculous fanboyism still exists.

The whole Sony vs Microsoft rivalry of today doesn’t have the teeth that Nintendo vs SEGA had back in 1992. That’s a good thing because that kind of feud has no logic. Sony and Microsoft know that; last year, they announced a cloud-focused strategic partnership. Not to be outdone, Big N has worked with Microsoft as well. As for Sony and Nintendo…well, there are still some open wounds there. But they’re at least not slinging fire-tipped arrows at each other as Nintendo and SEGA did way back when.

As tame as today’s “console wars” seem compared to the Great Wars of the 90s, there are still plenty of knuckleheads on both sides fighting in the trenches of NeoGAF and Reddit, slinging insult grenades back and forth content in the knowledge that “their” console is the best.

In a way, I get it. We all have an attachment to something we like and don’t like when anyone else dismisses it. But if there’s a more pointless hill to die on than “my console is better than your console,” I haven’t found it yet.

Video games are supposed to be fun things, not battle lines for deluded hardcore fans to lose their minds over. Stop fighting and play some games!

And once again, fuck you Suge Knight. YOU KILLED ‘PAC!