There is one trend that has propped up in recent E3 shows that I dislike. Once all the major conferences are concluded, various video game cognoscenti gather up and declare which company “won” E3, meaning what company’s conference was the best. I dislike it primarily because it implies that, despite any good things shown at other conferences, they don’t matter because one conference WON!
I don’t think Sony “won” E3, but I do like how they handled their conference.
Right from the word go, Sony’s conference was all about the games. From the moment God of War floored us to the moment Days Gone made me question why there are so many goddamn zombie games, Sony paraded a seemingly nonstop line of games, with little breather in between. Although I found myself craving more information at times (I was really hoping for more info after the God of War and Death Stranding), I was still hoping they’d cram just one more game into their lineup.
Oh, and Sony? I don’t blame you for not explaining Death Stranding. I should know better by now; Kojima-san is a very talented, very insane little man. I’m sure his preschool finger paintings confused the entire school.
Since Sony’s conference was so rapid-fire, I have decided to summarize it in the same manner. I present to you, with some mild editing, the running notes I took during their E3 conference. I will present them in order, with my thoughts added when needed. All timestamps are in EDT, and I write them in military time because I’m petty and want to seem smarter than I am.
22:00 – This conference is under way!
21:01 – I love orchestral music. Side note: is this for God of War?
21:05 – Five minutes in, and no sign of what this is. Can we at least agree that this intro is way better than whatever Ubisoft did in its intro?
21:06 – THAT’S KRATOS!!!! Does that mean that the child is his? And wait…isn’t he dead???
21:09 – The game looks different. No Blades of Chaos, just an ax that he…IS THAT FUCKING THING MJOLNIR???
21:15 – I’m floored. A God of War game with actual character development! Sony, here’s my money!
21:16 – Shawn Layden gives a touching in memoriam to the victims of the Orlando shootings in Club Pulse. Digital Crack is based in Orlando; let’s just say that things were tense for us in the aftermath. Classy move, Mr Layden. Much respect.
21:20 – Days Gone, new title from Sony’s Bend Studios. Grumpy Joe had mentioned this game to me, but with a different name. I don’t remember the old title now because I’m an old man with 10-Second Tom’s memory. In other news, this game has no real info. Probably just another post-apocalyptic game where players have to balance what’s right with having to…wait, what was I talking about?
21:22 – THE LAST GUARDIAN HAS A RELEASE DATE!!! Rejoice, all ye faithful, Team Ico’s latest masterpiece will soon be upon us!!!
21:25 – Good Lord, Horizon: Zero Dawn looks awesome! This looks like it will be a real fun game to play.
21:34 – This game looks interesting. Androids solving crimes? Dozens of possibilities for one encounter, based on a ridiculously detailed decision tree? What is this?
21:35 – Detroit: Become Human? Wait, isn’t that the David Cage game? UGH!!!
21:36 – I must admit, this pace is a bit tiring. My fingers hurt from all the typing.
21:37 – VR time, and they’re showing off a first-person horror game that looks like a mix between P.T. and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If I play this game in VR, I will shit all over myself!
21:39 – Resident Evil 7: Biohazard? Uhh…yea, I’m gonna shit. A lot.
21:41 – PlayStation VR has a release date: October 13th. Got it.
21:43 – New VR IP, Farpoint. Lotta games announced so far. My head is kinda spinning.
21:44 – The good news is Star Wars Battlefront: X-Wing VR Mission exists. The bad news? It’s an add-on mission for the base game, not a full game. BOOOOOO!!!!
21:44 – That’s the Joker’s voice!!! Batman in VR???
21:45 – Wait…Arkham VR??? HOW???
21:47 – Final Fantasy XV: The VR Experience? OH, FUCK YOU, SquEnix! Tabata-san, tell me I hate this shit because I have Final Fantasy disease. Tell me to my face! I fucking DARE YOU!!!
21:48 – My brain is numb. I can’t keep this pace up!
21:48 – Space-based game. Looks interesting.
21:50 – Wait…something look oddly familiar about this onscreen interface. It looks like…
21:53 – Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare. Not sure how to feel about this.
21:56 – Excuse me for a second…<<clears throat>>
21:56 – CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!! CRASH BANDICOOT!!!
21:57 – Fine! Do your Skylanders thing with him…CRASH BANDICOOT 1-3 IS BEING REMASTERED!!!
(Quick tangent: I never thought I would be so excited for a remaster of a game. Normally, I would offer tepid praise for a remastered game so long as it wasn’t a last-gen title. Now? I cannot wait for this remastered collection to be released. Plus, I think Cousin Jose smoked a cigarette after the remastered collection was announced.)
21:58 – Lego: Star Wars The Force Awakens. Fine, do you, boo-boo. Do you.
22:01 – KOJIMA-SAN!!!
22:02 – “Hello, everyone. I’m back!” I hope Konami executives are sharpening their blades in anticipation of the seppuku they will have to commit in front of their corporate board. Well, not really…but still, I hope they do!
22:04 – A Kojima Productions game with NORMAN FUCKING REEDUS??? I’m giddy!
22:05 – ……………………………………………..WHAT DID I JUST WATCH??? Norman Reedus was butt-ass-naked, tar, disappearing babies…WHAT???????????????
22:06 – There’s a new Spider-Man game…and the spider on the uniform is white. Yes, I am THAT guy!
22:09 – Wait…Days Gone? Didn’t they mention this game earlier? Why are they showing it again now?
22:12 – I’m tired of zombie games…but those zombies are frightening as hell!
22:16 – Man, that was a lot!
Sony threw a lot at fans during their conference. Some of what they threw was high-concept stuff that has no release date; some of it was incredible, some of it was Final Fantasy in VR without chocobo riding; and some of it was God of War and incredibly awesome by default. No, Sony did not “win” E3, but it did put on quite a show. I’m excited for this coming year!
