As I write this, I am working on my third prison in Prison Architect. When I mean I’m working on it, I mean it’s on one of my 4 monitors. It’s running in the background as I write this. I am $157 in the red with this prison. But as soon as stupid prisoners buy into the Foundation Education Program, I’ll be in the black financially. Then again, if I expand the prison wing by another 85 inmates, I’ll sacrifice money to get another grant bonus, and then I’ll…GODDAMMIT, ANOTHER GANG WAR!
Seriously, sim games eat me alive. I first discovered my weakness while playing SimCity on the SNES. I popped the cart in, got used to the mechanics, and before I knew it, I was almost divorced! Thankfully, my ex-wife forgave my addiction to sim games. She is my ex-wife for non-gaming reasons, bless her heart.
After braving the beautiful hell that was Stardew Valley, you would think that I would lay off sim games for a bit. You would think incorrectly. I had kept Prison Architect at arm’s length for a while. Eventually, curiosity wore me down.
I gave it a try with the demo on the Xbox One. The game insisted on orienting me with some story-driven scenarios. It was innocent enough: I have to build a structure. Soon enough, I was creating ancillary rooms. Then I put the electric chair in and tested the prison’s power supply. Finally, I had to fry a remorseful prisoner. It was heady stuff for a human being with a soul, but boring shit all around for a sim.
I had to fuck around and buy it on Steam. That version didn’t wanna tutor me; it gave me a large plot of land and told me to build something!
One week later, and the only thing I can recall is that a hurricane was supposed to hit my city. I didn’t lose power, so I guess it didn’t hit. Good, because my second prison – a ladies prison – was short a couple of family centers for inmates with infants. I could NOT leave a female prisoner and her baby in the cold because of a shortage of family cells! So I built away, and lost another day to the madness!
I bought the game for the PlayStation 4 so that I can play it on a console. After two story-driven stages, I went back to the PC version to be hurt good. I don’t like the pain, but I love how it hurts me.
Prison Architect is the kind of game that will absolutely engross a sim fan. When you skip the narrative bullshit, you start out on a plot of land with nothing more than some workmen and a huge canvas for you to shape. Offices are needed for your warden. The warden needs an accountant for the finances, a security chief for managing the guards, and a foreman to handle janitors and gardeners. The prisoners in your complex need cells. They also need food, clean skivvies, and something to do other than rot in a holding cell. You can create jobs for them, but be careful. Inmates in a workshop may want to take a spare drill to their cell. You know, because reasons.
Once you start the game, it will do everything in its power to consume you. You have to keep the prison in the black financially, but you have to try to house as many inmates as possible. Maybe you can create jobs for them within the prison, having them clean up or doing the laundry. If you set up reform programs, you might be able to rehabilitate some of them. Hell, maybe they can make your prison money by making license plates or making superior beds.
Of course, there are the gangs. Every time your prisoners hit the yard, they are fodder for rival gang members. No matter how many CCTV cameras or K-9 units you deploy, one gang member will eventually shiv a rival. All you can do is train up your guards to defend themselves. Equip them with body armor and teach them how to use tazers. Better yet, deploy armored guards. That’ll subdue the populace…maybe. Either way, the gangs will try to take shit over.
I swear, I am still running the game as I write this. Twice I have had to stop writing to handle one issue or another. One incident involved an escape tunnel that was detected; another involved an inmate that was being zapped by a guard. It was insignificant, but I had to see. Unfortunately, it was a worker in the prison’s library. Those inmates have to be educated. I hope he can be replaced by the new batch of inmates going through the aforementioned Foundation Education Program. If not, the other inmates are gonna bitch about the library not being open. Can’t the education program run faster…
Fuck! One of my informants was killed. I’ll end this article now. This prison isn’t gonna run itself!
