This calls for a Coke

Release Date: March 4, 1999

Developer: KID Corp.

Publisher: KID Corp.

May has been a brutal month for me. Between personal and health issues, my duties for Digital Crack have suffered. Unfortunately, so has my gaming. My PS4 and Xbox One have lain silent since the first of the month, and I normally have one online almost around the clock. My Raspberry Pi has fared better only because of my four-year-old nephew. He has been visiting more often since school let out and has discovered Super Mario Bros.

The beginning of June finds me in a better place, and I find myself turning to video games once again. Like many, I use games as a stress release mechanism. When I’m down in the dumps, I usually turn to one of my go-to comfort games. One of them just happens to be a terrible game that under normal circumstances would be relegated to the bottom of the pile. That game is Pepsiman for the Sony PlayStation. It is silly, nonsensical, and infuriatingly difficult. Honestly, it’s a shit game. And I kinda-sorta enjoy playing it. In short bursts, of course.

Pepsiman stars, of course, Pepsiman, a mascot created by artist Travis Charest for the Japanese market. He is best described as a CG gimp with commercial aspirations. Pepsiman is bedecked in a form-fitting spandex (or leather?) bodysuit with the Pepsi logo emblazoned on his chest. He was featured in TV commercials where he helps quench the thirst of citizens and ends up being hurt, pummeled, or otherwise treated roughly. The commercials themselves were not incredible, but they did show off the tongue-in-cheek humor that most Japanese commercials sport.

The character was a hit in Japan, even making a cameo in the Japanese version of Fighting Vipers for the Sega Saturn as an unlockable character. This popularity spurred Pepsi to seek development of a standalone video game. Development was handed to Japanese developer and publisher Kindle Imagine Develop (KID), who made the game for the PlayStation. Although interest in a port for North America was expressed, the game stayed a Japanese exclusive.

The game has you control the titular character from a third-person perspective. Gameplay is similar to a cross between Sonic Adventure 2 and Crash Bandicoot. You traverse one of four levels, picking up cans of Pepsi and avoiding obstacles. You have no true control over your progress. You are shoved forward at all times, able to speed up and slow down on occasion but never stop. You are able to move left and right, jump and slide to navigate past obstacles, gaps, and blockades. It’s like Temple Run in its gameplay. Your goal in each stage is to quench the thirst of some poor Pepsi-deprived people at the end of the stage before the timer runs out.

In addition to obstacles in your way, there are specific areas that will mess with your controls or introduce something different. While running through a suburb, you will run into a shed and emerge on the other side of it with a trash can on your head. The trash can reverses your controls. In the desert stage, Pepsiman has to balance on a rolling barrel. There is also a section where Pepsiman is chased by a Coca-Cola-themed semi, similar to the semi chasing Sonic in Sonic Adventure 2. Hell, there’s a street-surfing area in Pepsiman that looks and plays just like “City Escape” in Sonic Adventure 2!

The game itself looks like a typical PS1-era game. The people in the game are flat and digitized, and most vehicles and objects are blocky and lack textures. It’s not the worst-looking PlayStation game, but it’s not too pretty. Music is limited to the Pepsiman theme, which is remixed for each different level, and sounds are nothing to write home about. Mostly, you hear footsteps, bumps, and Pepsiman’s groans. There is nothing special here.

Interspersed throughout the game are FMV intermissions that feature some American dude. He plays no role in the game; he’s only there to…actually, I don’t know what purpose he has in the game. He’s just…there, drinking Pepsi and grinning like he just shit his pants and wants you to clean him. He’s pretty much a non-sequitur.

Where this game completely falls apart is in its control. There are a lot of obstacles thrown your way in Pepsiman, and you have to avoid ALL of them if you want to beat the levels in time. Running into objects slows you down or stops your forward progress, which is bad considering you’re timed. Thing is, it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to dodge everything.

The blame falls equally between the sheer number of obstacles and the game’s hitbox. Oftentimes, you find yourself screaming at the screen because you were hit by a log or barrel or pylon you did not touch at all. And the hitbox is random, meaning you may hit an object you missed earlier by the same distance. It gets maddening real quickly.

Double the madness if you actually want to try collecting all the Pepsi cans that are scattered along your path. There are 100 cans in each level, some placed in areas where you’re almost guaranteed a hit. For OCD gamers like me, trying to ignore a can placed around a death trap is the closest thing to legal torture possible. Pepsiman has dozens of cans in dangerous areas. The nervous tics begin almost immediately.

It’s this combination of poor controls, dodgy hitbox, and unattainable objects that sink this game’s difficulty into the depths of hell. This game WILL hurt you. For completionists, the knowledge that one can was missed may drive them batty. For regular gamers, the difficulty will have them throwing controllers and hurling obscenities at family members, small animals, and the occasional inanimate object. Pepsiman is a hate generator.

And yet, I still enjoy playing it in small spurts. Maybe it’s the masochist in me, but the idea of blitzing through a level, dodging cranes and cars like vegans dodge ribeye steak, centers me. Of course, I’ve learned to only try a couple of runs. One too many and the numbers on my blood pressure monitor start to climb up like K.I.T.T.’s speedometer in Knight Rider. Like I said before, I have health issues.

Does Pepsiman still hold up? HELL NO! The gameplay is not really engaging outside of a quick thrill. The game’s campiness has not aged well, and its cheap hits will enrage a saint. In small doses it’s tolerable. But eventually, it’ll turn even the most ardent gamer off.

If you insist on giving it a try, good luck. Outside of emulation, the only way to legitimately play Pepsiman is to purchase it off the second-hand market. It’s region-locked, so you will also need a Japanese PlayStation to play it. That’s too much effort to play a game that is more an anachronism of the 90s than a good time. It might actually be a better idea to just drink a Pepsi and run into a wall.

I still enjoy playing the game in small bursts, though. Go figure.

Good: Campy humor; decent visuals

Bad: Horrible controls and hitbox; cheap placement of Pepsi cans and objects

Final Score: 2/10