Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and another bevy of overpriced commercials have been paraded in front of our consumerist eyes. I’ll save the opinions about the Budweiser and Pepsi commercials for another forum; we’re highlighting the movie trailers that were on display here. Well, one entry isn’t a movie, but it’s still relevant.
Because there was no way in hell I was gonna tackle all of these trailers myself, I asked Cousin Jose and Punisher to help me out. These are our impressions of some of the trailers we saw:
Life
Ryan Reynolds, Rebecca Ferguson, and Jake Gyllenhaal headline an international cast of space travelers that explore Mars and find life. Judging by the trailer, I’m guessing the single-celled life form found resembles Álien more than it does Galaxy Quest. The Super Bowl trailer looked more horror than thriller; I like horror. Of course, since this is a movie set in space, the full official trailer starts off with Norman Greenbaum’s Spirit in the Sky. Hollywood, can you please find another song to wear out in space movies? Please?
Life debuts on March 24th.
- Uncle Willy
Ghost in the Shell
The more I see of this, the more I’m intrigued. Many of the elements from the 1995 animated movie seem to be realized here, and the tone seems spot on. Of course, these are short trailers, and the way they are cut can mislead. Still, I’m interested in seeing Ghost in the Shell when it debuts on March 31st.
Oh, and Scarlett? Call me.
- Uncle Willy
Transformers: The Last Knight
There is such a thing as too many Transformers movies, especially from Michael Bay.
Look, the last time I saw a Transformers movie was Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and that movie sucked huge, metal balls. The government;s hunting down the Autobots, which has been seen…how many times in a Transformers movie?
So seeing the trailer for me, this new movie will bring nothing new to the lore. Giant robots, badass fights, a shit ton of explosions with somewhat decent acting, I guess. But this time we see Optimus Prime fighting Bumblebee, which makes an interesting fight and from the little being shown it may be that Optimus may be infected with some sort of virus.
Hey Michael Bay, you want to do another Transformers movie? Do one outside of Earth. How about this: let’s have the next one in Cybertron!
Transformers: The Last Knight will hit theaters on June 23, 2017.
- Cousin Jose
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eVSiZAEy1M
John Wick Chapter 2
2014’s John Wick was one of those perfect sleeper movies. Keanu Reeves absolutely nailed the role of the rusty professional assassin dragged back into the fold. And the world around him and his associates were expertly crafted. The first movie was excellent in many ways.
And the Continental hotel’s manager was smoother than silk! He was my favorite ancillary character by far! I want that man to tuck me into bed and read me stories!
How will a sequel do, especially with all the expectations heaped upon it? I don’t know, but I sure as hell want to find out. John Wick Chapter 2 debuts on February 10th.
- Uncle Willy
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie is officially beginning to worry me.
The three teasers have shown me two things. First, Baby Groot is adorable and he will sell more Funko Pop figurines that can be made. Second, Drax has all the clever one-liners. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but if I don’t see something more substantial than a kick-ass soundtrack, I may call foul.
At least this teaser shows Ayesha, aka Kismet in the comics. There’s also some more of Mantis here. Taserface, a minor enemy, also shows up. There are even shots of what I think is Ego, the Living Planet, aka Star Lord’s daddy in non-human form. I get that they want to keep some things under wraps, but if the only thing fed to me is Drax and Baby Groot, I will throw up!
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 will drop on May 5th. My questions will be answered then.
- Uncle Willy
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Is this seriously the year that we get franchise movies that have been worn out?
Let’s be honest. I do like the Pirates movies, but I never saw the last one because I eventually got tired after the original trilogy ended. It should have stayed ended. But no, Disney is a fucking money whore!
We do get a lot of the original cast back for this movie with some new ones, too. The dead are back and taking over the seas. Damn, that means we will have a shortage of rum! What I did like about this trailer it did show enough and we do get dead sharks swimming, so we get zombies both human and animal. All we need is for Disney to go ahead and do Marvel Zombies.
(The editor approves of Marvel Zombies. Seriously, why isn’t there a Marvel Zombies event in Disney parks during Halloween? Just have zombie Wolvering eat Mickey Mouse in front of kids and horrify them! Step it up, Disney! I have money; make me spend it there!)
It seems that there will be more lore being added to the franchise, which is a good thing. But I’m tired of these movies. Pirates of the Caribbean, originally based on the ride at Disney, will be hitting theaters on May 26, 2017.
- Cousin Jose
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovuk6JV3haI
Logan
Oh, my God! I can’t wait for this movie to come out!
When it was said that Wolverine would have his last movie and that this will be the last time that Hugh Jackman will play him, I was glad that they were going to go with the Old Man Logan story. No dialog in this beautiful trailer, as we only get Amazing Grace being sung in the background while Logan and X-23 do their thing. Fox has messed up royally with X-Men: Apocalypse. Don’t believe me? Ask Uncle Willy.
(Note from Uncle Willy: X-MEN: APOCALYPSE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF IN THE DICKHOLE UNTIL THE GONORRHEA MOVES OUT OF ITS OWN VOLITION, CITING AN UNSAFE WORK ENVIRONMENT! HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU RUIN THE MOST BADASS VILLAIN THAT THE X-MEN…NO, FUCK YOU! I WANNA VENT THE SPLEEN I DON’T HAVE…STOP IT! GET THAT CHLOROFORM RAG AWAY FROM ME….mphhhh…frunphh…smmmphhrphhhh…uff…)
There are a few characters seen in the trailer that I do not know of, but it’s been awhile since I read the comic. We do get a lot of action and, seeing that Professor Xavier, Logan and X-23 are being chased by an organization, not without a fight. We get blood, we get violence but yet the trailer felt peaceful all the time. I can’t wait for this movie to come out. Damn it, March 3rd needs to get here like yesterday!
- Cousin Jose
The Fate of the Furious
Well, we get another movie from the Fast and the Furious franchise, and it looks like the tables have turned. Dom turned on his family and now is the bad guy, while The Rock is teaming up with Jason Stathamand the crew to bring Dom down.
This movie is going to throw everything and the kitchen sink if it can. I’m still going to see it because, “reasons.” Also, I’m a car guy and want to see shit go fast and blow up like Micheal Bay’s Transformers franchise…too soon?
Still, I’m interested in how this is going to play out, even though I have an idea but I’ll just have to wait.
This movie is coming out on April 14th.
- Punisher
Baywatch
Thank God I don’t give a damn about the Baywatch franchise. This movie seems to want to ape the same tired jokes CHiPs does, only with less dick jokes.
Seriously, these retreads of old IPs need to go die in a fire or something. I get I that there may be a fan base for Baywatch in the theatres. I just really doubt those people will appreciate Zac Effron in a star-spangled Speedo while The Rock gets to do racial jokes. I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’.
Either way, Baywatch will be unleashed upon us on May 26th. Pray, my flock. Pray.
- Uncle Willy
Stranger Things 2
It’s not a movie. I don’t care.
This commercial aired during the Super Bowl, but it was genius how. They ran an old Eggo Waffles commercial, but its starts flicking, then boom!!! We hear someone screaming out Eleven, then see Eleven waking up. This season looks like something went completely wrong and looks like upside down world is coming to us.
In some of the images they show the kids dressed up for Halloween as Ghostbusters, a drawing of our next monster that kind of looks like Cthulhu, and also some storm and the sky is red with a brief look at our giant monster within the clouds.
Can this monster be a new version of Cthulhu? This commercial ran for 30 seconds and let us know this will air October 31 kids!! Halloween, bitches!
- Punisher
